Fuck Facebook

There is a Facebook page for this site, but I don’t have one personally anymore. People ask me why all the time. Let’s settle this once and for all:

• I would get friend requests with more than one girl in them and just assume it was the hot one. It never was.
• There are also what my buddies from college would call “Facebook Fakers." Facebook Fakers set their profile picture as either the only good picture ever taken of them or a picture from 3 years and 75 pounds ago.
• Friends of my parents started to friend request me. At first I just rejected them and realized that wasn’t a strong enough statement. I then made an effigy of Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, out of straw and beat it with a hockey stick.
• Thinking about putting up a picture of your baby as your profile picture? Know what would be cuter? Deleting your fucking account and raising your child privately.
• No, Burger King, I do not accept your friend request. First of all, you are not a person that I can be friends with. You are a corporation who is insulting my intelligence by thinking that I will think you are cool if you use social networking sites. And also, I have nightmares about your mascot.
• Farmville
• All of the other applications. The first person that tried starting a food fight with me via Facebook was surprised as shit when I showed up at their dorm room and hit them with a steaming bowl of Ramen.
• Bars in the area where I went to college would make a page, friend request the entire city, and then send out 50-100 messages a day flooding my inbox with inane shit. I don’t care if your Jello shots are half off on Wednesday, Leitrim’s Pub, this friendship is over.
• People I knew from high school would constantly friend request me. I thought maybe it was an attempt at reconnecting. If I wanted any connection at all, we would have one. Denied.
• My sister told me that they didn’t actually want to talk to me, they just wanted to be my “friend” so they could Facebook stalk me. This made me feel uncomfortable and immediately suspicious of my sister.
• Sorority girls wear their ability to Facebook stalk a badge of honor. My sister’s abilities fall somewhere between Wizard-like and Jesus.

These things that say that they are trying to connect us actually seem to be separating us further. You don’t interact with anybody you don’t know on Facebook. You do not make any new friends. You do not reconnect with old ones. You interact with the same people that you talk to in real life everyday. If you do look at someone’s profile that you don’t know, it’s to ridicule their pictures or make fun of their status update.

If you want friends, go make them the old-fashioned way. Go to a bar and get drunk until you are socially lubed up enough to talk to strangers. You’d be surprised how fun it is when you unplug yourself from the computer and accept (or deny) people face to face without “the book.” And don’t worry, Facebook will still be there when you get home. Including the best thing on it.