Snow, Snow Go Away

I sat down to write something, anything, but only one thought keeps running through my head: God damn it, it’s cold. I know a lot of people watched Al Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Truth and say that it made them want to live more environmentally conscious lives. I watched it and immediately went outside and started spraying two aerosol cans directly into the atmosphere.

Some people say that they love the snow and would miss it were it gone. These are mostly old people who have lived in the Northeast since the Mayflower, Paul Revere, Reconstruction fucking period. Of course you love the snow, old people, you don’t have to deal with it. You have other people shovel the shit and you repay them with a quarter or a handful of hard candy. Con artists, all of you.

The rest of us able-bodied people have to go out into the elements and try to remember which frozen bump of snow our cars are under. And then as we are shoveling the car out and brushing off the snow we are saying a prayer that the thing will start once it is liberated from it’s snowy grave. Because if it does not then you have to deal with the condescending people at Consumer Auto Parts that think it’s ridiculous that a 24 year old man is unaware that there is more than one kind of car battery. Fuck me, right?

Oh, and make sure that your car is always at least half full with gas. Because otherwise, it may freeze. Allow me to repeat that. Gasoline, which is highly flammable, can freeze in your car in these elements. We choose to live in an area where that is possible and yet consider ourselves the most intelligent species. Birds that are too stupid to find the feeder that my mother puts out for them know that when the weather gets cold it’s time to go somewhere where the sun is out for more than three hours a day.