To all of you who are bitching that Wes Welker never should have been in the game yesterday, I have news for you: They tried to keep him out of the game. He wouldn’t have it. Welker is every bit the killer that Brady is but in a much different way. Brady is a cold and calculating assassin. Welker is an animal. The only animal known to man that subsists solely on prey larger than him. Fact*.
This is actually what transpired on Friday when they tried keeping Wes out of the game yesterday:
Belichick: Hey, will someone go get Wes? I have to talk to him about Sunday.
Assistant: Y-yes sir.
They wheel in Welker on a dolly. He is wearing a number 83 red and blue straight jacket and a facemask. Wes is a biter.
Belichick: Wes, look we don’t have anything to play for on Sunday. I really don’t think there’s a difference between the 2 and 3 seed. I do know that if we lose you for the playoffs that we don’t stand a chance. We’re gonna sit you down, pal.
Welker: MMMBJDMMMMFCKIG!
Belichick: I’m sorry, Wes. I didn’t hear that. Will somebody take his facemask off?
Assistant: I don’t think that’s a good idea, Coach. You know what happened to the last guy who did that…
Belichick: That guy provoked him. I tell you guys all the time: don’t look him in the eyes. He sees it as a challenge.
Assistant: (Shakily) Should we at least get the cattle prod?
Belichick: Nope, doesn’t work. Just makes him angry.
(The assistant timidly removes a mostly calm Welker’s facemask. At the last second, Welker snaps at the assistant who barely escapes his bite. The assistant runs screaming from the room.)
Belichick: I’m sorry, Wes. What were you trying to say?
Welker: Wes want to play.
Belichick: I know, Wes. But like I said, we don’t want to risk you getting hurt.
Welker: Wes no get hurt. Wes hurt defense.
Belichick: We need you in the playoffs more than we need you on Sunday, bud.
Welker: (Sadly) Why coach not like Wes anymore?
Belichick: Wes, God damn it, I love you. I wish I had 54 guys like you. In spirit, not in body of course. But you’re not playing on Sunday.
Welker: COACH PUTS WES IN THE GAME OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!
Belichick: FINE! Jesus, you can play on Sunday. Are you happy now?
Welker: Wes very happy. Wes thank Coach very much.
Belichick: Assistant! Get your bitch ass back in here and put Wes back in his cage, he has to rest up for Sunday.
Assistant: Should I feed him coach?
Belichick: Yeah, but make sure the bull’s alive when you put it in the cage, otherwise he won’t eat it.
Assistant: (Wheeling out Welker) Let’s go, psycho.
Welker: (Growl)
Belichick: I fucking love that kid.
Wes Welker is an undersized football player that made it to the NFL because he would not be denied a spot. He was on the field on Sunday because he wanted to play, period. He knows the possible consequences and would rather suffer an injury than the indignity of sitting even one game out. I fucking love that kid.
*Ed. Note: Probably not a fact.
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