Lombardi Gras

• Peyton Manning throwing an interception that led to a backbreaking touchdown is proof that God really does love me.

• Guys, if your girlfriend saw Drew Brees holding his baby after the game she’s already made the decision to stop taking her birth control. Plan accordingly. Also, when she is trying to make a love child with you she’s going to be picturing Drew Brees. Yes Reggie, even Kim.

• Speaking of Baby Brees, I hope he either:
          A. Plays quarterback like his dad or
          B. Grows into that forehead
Life can be tough for a kid whose facial features are smushed into the bottom quarter of their face. The fact that “Drew Brees son down syndrome” spiked on Google trends means I am not the only one that feels this way. And no, he doesn’t have down syndrome, do not send me hate mail.

• Holy shit, Jim Caldwell is black. I honestly had never seen him before this game. I think while Peyton is running the team he’s usually listening to Raffi music in his Motorola headset and coloring in the locker room.

• The kicker for the Saints who made that onside kick will definitely see his 3rd to 270th pairs of breasts this week. Good for him.

• Hank Baskett, with hands like that Kendra probably misses Hef.

• I called Peyton Manning an average playoff quarterback in a bar the other night and of course I am around the only fucking Colts fan in the Boston area. This guy was incredible; he was like a super villain whose power was being impervious to logic. Good thing I’m like a superhero whose power is being able to call people dickheads loudly.

• Hey, Dickhead: Going 9-9 in the playoffs and 1-1 in Super Bowls is the definition of average.

• After the game, Bill Cowher was wearing Mardi Gras beads and someone made the obligatory, “I wonder what he did for those” joke. I’m pretty sure the resulting mental image gave me erectile dysfunction.

• Viagra: now a proud sponsor of FunctioningRageaholic.com

• Speaking of endorsement deals, Brees missed a golden opportunity. Instead of holding his kid at the end of the game, he should have cashed in and held the baby from the E*Trade commercials. That kid’s way more photogenic anyway.

• The commercials were pretty weak again this year. I only remember two of them. There was the Google one where the guy has to Google fucking everything. Seriously? How did he land a hot French chick with his nose buried in a Blackberry Googling tips on flirting? Foreplay would be tough too with him looking up how to unhook a bra in the middle of it. Bullshit.

• Let me get this straight:

“I will get up and walk the dog at 6 a.m. I will sit through two-hour meetings. I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will be quiet when you don’t want me to say no. I will take your call.I will listen to your opinion of my friends. I will listen to your friends’ opinions of my friends. I will be civil to your mother. I will put the seat down I will watch your vampire T.V. shows with you. I will take my socks off before getting into bed. I will put my underwear in the basket.”

And because of this, I get to drive a Dodge Charger? And I would. Directly into the biggest and hardest structure I could find. Maybe it’s me but it seems like a shitty deal. No thank you, Dodge.

• You know this commercial will be the breaking point in at least a few marriages. Nothing like giving an emasculating pep talk and a jumping off point for a domestic violence dispute to men who have been drinking heavily and watching a violent sport for 3 hours.
Man: I will drive the car I want to drive! I do all these things for you!
Wife: You literally do none of those things.
Man: You made me buy a Chrysler Town & Country!
Wife: I let you pick the color.
Man: I wanted black!
Wife: Well, black’s not a color, now is it?
Man: (Pause) I AM BUYING A DODGE CHARGER TOMORROW!
Wife: I regret marrying you.
Man: MY CHARGER WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!

• Congratulations to the Saints though. They deserved it; Sean Payton made some ballsy calls that paid off. The city of New Orleans deserves th- who am I kidding? I don’t care that the Saints won. I just care that the Colts didn’t. If the Colts were playing a team full of my worst enemies all wearing Jets jerseys, I would root my ass off for Gang Green all day. It wouldn’t matter much though because my enemies are all terrible football players.
Coworker: You really hate Peyton Manning, huh?
Rageaholic: I do, I really do.
Coworker: Bin Laden and Peyton Manning are standing in front of you and you have a gun with one bullet. What do you do?
Rageaholic: First you have to convince me that they’re not the same person.
Coworker: Jesus Christ.

• We just lost our Viagra sponsorship, didn’t we?

•  Son of a bitch.