The 5 People You Meet On St. Patrick's Day

Have fun tomorrow, but be careful not to be any of these guys:

The Irish Stereotype

He is not just content drinking Jameson and Guinness; he has to berate anyone who is drinking a domestic beer. He is constantly either trying to start a fight with anyone (and squares up to them like the Notre Dame mascot) or he is hugging people and telling them he loves them. He will do both of these things to the same person in a five minute span. He is one-eighth Irish but will tell everyone who will listen (which is nobody) that his family is from County Kildaire as if they got off the boat that morning. He loves potatoes and hates English people. He is wearing: A "26+6=1" T-shirt. Famous Last Words: "What are you? A fucking British queer? Póg mo Thóin! I'm sorry bro, I didn't mean it, I love you. Gimme a hug." 

The Way Too Drunk Way Too Early Guy

He is constantly on the verge of vomiting and passing out and he has been so obnoxious for so long that people are actually starting to root for it. Instead of trying to make him stop drinking, everyone is starting to pour him shots of whiskey. He tries to leave the party wearing someone else's jacket and then adamantly declares it is his own that he bought at Forever 21*.  It isn't yours Nancy, find your own jacket that you bought at a woman's clothing store and get the fuck out. He is wearing: No pants. Famous Last Words: "Merrrrrrrrr..."

*Yes, this really happened.

The Guy Who Studied Abroad In Ireland

Yeah, we know it's really a religious holiday. And in Ireland, they give thanks to St. Patrick for spreading Catholicism and do not use it as a mask for their drinking problem. Guess what, dickhead? We're not in Ireland. We're in America, so do as we do. Drink some green beer, eat corned beef, try to have sex with a red head, and stop being an elitist douche. By the way, you look fucking awful in that scally cap. He is wearing: A Bray Wanderers scarf that he got at a football, not soccer, match. Famous Last Words: "You know, if we were in Ireland we would be in church today."

The Guy Who Has No Idea What We're Celebrating

He shows up wearing orange and drinking Smithwicks. Irish people would sooner punch the Pope than do either. When questioned, he says St. Patrick did something with snakes. Yeah, idiot, we're all celebrating a glorified Pied Piper. If you wanna drink that bad, just do it for the same reason as all the other alcoholics: It's Wednesday. He is wearing: Nothing green. Famous Last Words: Quoting Sean Connery in a Scottish accent all day.

The Irish Music On His iPhone Guy

He momentarily kills the party by stopping the music so he can put on The Saw Doctors. Never heard of them? He would love to tell you about them for an hour and a half. Also, there's a reason you've never heard of them. They sound good for one day a year and then just take up gigabytes the other 364. I like bagpipes as much as the next guy but when you've been drinking all day they have the same effect on your cerebral cortex as a cat giving birth while scratching a chalkboard. He is wearing: The Chieftains tour t-shirt he bought on Ebay. Famous Last Words: "All you have is U2 and the Dropkick Murphy's?"  (Eyeroll).