Yes. But given my recent hiatus, the letters and e-mails have stacked up and this seems like a good way to get rid of them.
Do you even get reader mail?
Not really. No.
You made these questions up didn’t you?
Uh-huh.
So, where have you been?
Due to an unfortunate incident involving a Starbuck’s employee and a small dog I was undergoing court-ordered anger management treatment with Mel Gibson and Carlos Zambrano.
What happened?
I threw a small dog at a Starbuck’s employee. They both deserved it.
What was anger management like?
They made us watch the movie Babies over and over. Mel ended up punching an actual baby. It was
Did anger management work?
It turns out I didn’t need it. My aggressive behavior has since been attributed to chipmunk-induced rabies.
What are the symptoms of that?
Nut cravings and assault charges.
Does this mean you will be posting regularly again?
If by "regularly", you mean the grueling bi-monthly schedule that I averaged in my prime then…maybe.
What do you think of Jersey Shore this season?
I think anybody that watches it should be sterilized. Anyone that uses vocabulary from that show in real life should be shipped to an island where there is nothing but large predatory animals and a literal mountain of cocaine. Now that would be a reality show.
What’s wrong with the terminology from that show? Smush is a funny word.
Using the word smush to describe sex is a boner killer. It sounds like you’re trying to force a flaccid penis into an unwilling vagina. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t think you should have to use a shoehorn during sex. Yeah, try to use the word “smush” without that mental image popping up now.
Did you write that last response solely to make your sister feel uncomfortable when she proofreads this post?
Mostly, yes. But the other night during dinner she told me a story about my mother trimming her dog’s vagina hair, so fuck her.
And with that, I’m back, bitches. I’m going to try to pull fewer punches this time and post more regularly. At least until my parents read some of this shit and I can never make eye contact with them again. See you around town.
Love,
FuncRage
First update since I followed you, but still, welcome back :)
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing better then purposefully making a sibling uncomfortable. I'm really glad you didn't actually just join the cast of Jersey Shore, because that would be worse then anger management over Starbucks. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, there are four kids in my family and we used to be real careful what we said around each other. Then in the past year we all just said, "Fuck it" and it's been an arms race of disturbing stories since then.
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