Gluten Allergies and Oversharing

Can anybody explain to me where the hell gluten allergies came from?  A year and a half ago I had never heard the word and now it's like fucking anthrax.  A woman came into the bar where I work and told me that "we" (she said it like we were a team now, but I could tell I would be doing the bulk of the work) had to find some things on the menu that were gluten free.  So I start running back and forth between the kitchen and the bar talking to the kitchen staff in broken Portuguese to find out what menu items have gluten.

Fun fact about gluten: it's in fucking everything.  It is in almost all foods.  If you have a gluten allergy I think it's a subtle hint from God that He wants you to starve to death.  "We" finally found her some sort of food for her takeout order that I secretly hoped was packed with enough gluten to kill a pony.

Then she says, "I'm sorry, I know it's a pain.  It's not me, it's my baby that has the allergy.  And I'm breastfeeding."

Oh.  Ew.  That's it, bitch, I'm off the team.  I am young and still think boobs are fun.  How dare you remind me of their actual function.  Look, I know I'm an "adult" and I should be able to handle a woman talking about breastfeeding, but here's the thing ladies (and I feel like a lot of you don't know this): when you talk to someone about breastfeeding you are forcing them to picture you breastfeeding.  It's awkward for everybody.  And this woman was not the fun kind of picturing breastfeeding, when you maybe think about it later and try to mentally photoshop the baby out.  She was more National Geographic picturing breastfeeding.

To stop her from saying more things, because God only knows what was coming judging from the first five minutes of our relationship, I asked her if she wanted a drink while she waited for her food.

"Yes," she says, "I would like a Tanqueray martini."

Wait, what the fuck?  Your kid's fragile body can't handle gluten but you're feeding him white russians for dinner?!  She's talking to another dude at the bar, "Oh, he's such a good baby, he's already sleeping through the night."  No shit!  He's blacked out on titty gin!

Good luck getting that kid to switch to a bottle.  If I could get drunk from a boob I would never leave the house.

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