Hear Me Roar

Look, people with kids.  I try not to hate you.  I certainly don't hate your children.  If they act up it's more your fault than theirs.  But if they come into my bar and start acting like psychopaths you should correct their behavior before I do.  Yes, I made a kid cry last week but it was totally his fault.  Hear me out.

First off, don't bring your kids in the bar.  Adults belong in a bar, kids make bartenders uncomfortable.  You're all just dollar signs to us.  When a little cent sign comes in with their little, sticky hands and starts throwing cocktail straws around with reckless abandon it puts us, and more importantly the adults trying to drink at the bar, on edge.

One couple comes into the bar with their cherub and they both proceeded to something I assume they do quite often: drink and ignore the shit out of their kid.  Their son proceeds to put his little feet on his stool and plant his hands on the bar, leaning forward in a threatening manner.  I do not know what to do.  I'm thinking, "This child looks like it might attack me.  I've seen things attack things on the Discovery channel, it looks just like this.  I'll put him down if I have to, but what do I say after?  I don't think a simple 'he started it' will suffice."

Luckily he did not attack.  Instead, he just went all crazy eyed and screamed, "AAAAAAH!  AAAAAAH!  AAAAAAH!"  Over and over.  I glance over at the parents but they do not seem to be as concerned as I am about the situation.  Dad, you wanna maybe put the scotch down and nip this serial killer type behavior in the bud?  No?  Alright.

After a few minutes, his father did do something.  He casually looked at me and said, "Oh, he's a dinosaur."  As if that is an acceptable explanation for what was happening.  Not "His Ritalyn ran out" or "He was raised by wolves."  Nope, just "he's a dinosaur."  Oh, well then, problem solved.  Good parenting tip, sir.  If my child is ever literally acting like an animal in public just give a half-assed explanation and move on.

This made me mad though.  Not the shitty parents, I see that all the time.  I was mad because when I was little I LOVED dinosaurs, and this kid was doing it all wrong.  He didn't have his arms tucked in or his nostrils flared, he was fucking it all up.  So, naturally, I:

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

His crazy dead-eyed look turned to sheer terror and the parents look at me like I did something wrong.  I tried to explain to them that it was not a combative or aggressive roar.  It was a constructive criticism roar.  Either way, that young man learned there's a price to be paid for doing a sub-par dinosaur impression in my bar.

Tim, one.  Eight year old dinosaur enthusiast, zero.  You gotta enjoy the little victories.
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