Dear Alton Brown,No one gives a shit. Seriously. Here’s how you typically divide time on your so-called “cooking show”: 75% “look at all these words I know”, 17% guys from your sewing circle wearing costumes in cringe inducing skits, 4% oven cam (your best move, by the way), and 4% actual cooking. One time you didn’t even cook anything. You made a spinach salad and it took you 45 seconds. But it was important for me to know the scientific name for spinach, which I immediately forgot on purpose because I didn’t want that taking up space in my brain I use for important shit. Like remembering the majors of everyone from the cast of Saved By The Bell: The College Years.
Sincerely,
It’s Time For Lunch Not Science
Dear Ina Garten,You are actually useful. I have a tape of you making a Meringues Chantilly with Roasted Berries. Not because I ever want to make it or even know what the hell it is but because your voice is like Ambien. Just because you call everything a secret recipe doesn’t mean you have to whisper it.
Sincerely,
Sleepless in South Boston
P.S. You know your husband’s gay right? There’s just no way you don’t know this.
Dear Bobby Flay,You’re just one of those people I get the feeling that I wouldn’t want to meet in real life. Not because you would let down my expectations of you but rather because I suspect you’re kind of an asshole. Also, your shows consist of: Grill It! With Bobby Flay, Boy Meets Grill, and Throwdown (where you end up grilling things a lot). You’re a one trick pony and you walk around with the self-assured smirk of an Ivy Leaguer with a trust fund. Also, you like the Yankees.
Sincerely,
Turn Off The Fucking Grill Already
Dear Paula Deen,I don’t know much about you but I know you’re from the south so I instinctively distrust you. Anybody who uses the phrase “War of Northern Aggression” is suspect. I know you’re all just waiting to rise again. Thank God the C.I.A. invented crystal meth so you’ll never get your shit together to ring the bell for Round 2 of the Civil War.
Sincerely,
You Lost, Get Over It
Dear Duff Goldman,Ace Of Cakes is a waste of time. I liked your first show better: The Addams Family. Where you played Uncle Fester. Get it? ‘Cuz you’re bald. Fuck off.
Sincerely,
You’re Goatee Looks Like a Happy Trail
Dear Giada de Laurentiis,I’m sick of my friends telling me how hot you are, mostly because I feel weird about their acceptance of bestiality. I say that because you have a gigantic head and short, skinny arms. You are clearly a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It makes me angry that my roommates insist that I’m the weird one because I don’t want to fuck a dinosaur. I learn nothing from your show because when you speak, all I hear is “roar.”
Sincerely,
Denver Was a Much Better T.V. Dinosaur
Dear Guy Fieri,We get it. You’re a man. You hang out in diners and drive a muscle car and your fridge has a number on it like a Nascar. And you always have a bunch of guys over. And you wear a lot of jewelry….and you dye your hair…
Oh…I just figured it out. Hey, have you met Ina Garten’s husband?
I’m just saying.
Sincerely,
I’m Not Hatin’, You’re Overcompensatin’
P.S. Do you really want me to eat at T.G.I. Friday’s?
Dear Tyler Florence,At least Guy Fieri is in advertisements for a restaurant I would actually eat at rather than starve. If I stumbled across an Applebee’s in the middle of a desert after wandering for days I would order water and ask if there was an Outback somewhere nearby. Shilling for a place like that makes you The Ultimate Douche. See what I did there. Because your show is Tyler’s Ulti- oh, fuck it.
Sincerely,
Applebee’s Was Cool in High School
Dear Rachel Ray,(Exasperated sigh) Stop…just, just…stop.
Sincerely,
Seriously, fucking stop.
Haha, this is great. Totally agree!
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