Tom Brady is a tough but merciful God.

Going into their bye week the Patriots look strong and their quarterback is getting his swagger back. Everyone made a big deal about Brady wearing a suit on the team plane to London but I personally loved it. I learned at a very early age from youth hockey coaching legend Matt Gardner that if you look good, you feel good. You feel good, you play good. You play good, you win. Going to London for Brady was a business trip and that’s how you dress when you’re on your way to work.

Yes, I may have said all that because I am afraid of Tom Brady. Not because he is a huge man. He’s a football player, they’re all inhumanly large. It’s because he’s an absolute killer. He doesn’t say much and stays off people’s toes, but make no mistake, down below there is a competitive fire so hot that Gilette Stadium is always a comfortable 72 degrees, even in December.

What did you say? Oh, the goat picture. You think he was posing with that goat to look cute? Look into Tom’s eyes. The underlying message in that picture is: If you do not buy this magazine I will kill this goat. And that magazine sold more magazines than any magazine ever (ed. Note: There is no way this is true.)

Still don’t believe me? Fine, I promised I would never talk about this and it’s probably going to put me directly in Number 12’s crosshairs but here it is: The Plaxico Incident. I was at the club the night Plaxico “shot himself.” Here’s what really happened:

(Plaxico walks into club and takes a seat in the V.I.P. area. He is having a good time, when all of a sudden there is a chill in the air. Good thing he wore his sweat pants. He looks to his right slightly and when he looks back left, there He is.)

Plaxico: Oh shit, h-hey Tom. You kinda snuck up on me. You want a drink?
Brady: I’d rather have that ring on your finger.
Plaxico: (Laughs weakly) Oh that. You know. Lucky. Tyree and all that. D-destiny, I guess.
Brady: (Uncomfortably long stare) This is your destiny now. (Pulls out pistol, shoots Plaxico in the leg.)
Brady: You get between me and a Lombardi Trophy again, next time the bullet won’t be in your leg. (Drops handgun into Plaxico’s sweatpants and turns to face Antonio Pierce.)
Brady: You tell anybody about this and I’ll fucking kill you.
Pierce: Yessir.
(Puff of smoke. Brady is gone.)

There it is. And yes, he was wearing a suit when he did this (because that’s how you dress as an adult, not in sweatpants). He wears suits, takes down villains, wins rings and impregnates movie stars/supermodels. His jersey number shouldn’t be 12, it should be 007.

Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with Tom Brady.