Dear Diary,
Hello world. It’s me, Baby Boy Brady. Seriously, that’s what it says on my birth certificate. No, it’s cool, it’s not like you guys had almost a year to think of a name. Just kidding. I get it, you’re both super busy. Dad is swamped right now; it’s a tough spot in the season. And his boss Bill is mad at him that I was born in the middle of a playoff run. Sorry, Bill.
Mom is…I gotta be honest, I’m not even sure what Mom does. Daddy says she used to wear bathing suits for a living until I came along. I don’t know what that means, but he sounded mad when he said it. Anyway, it’s been a long day of being born, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Sincerely,
B.B.B.
12/9/2009
‘Sup Diary,
Triple B here. Day 2, no name. Whatever, I’m getting used to the B’s. The swarm of B’s…
Seriously Mom and Dad, I need a name. Dad, your first kid has an awesome name. J.E.T. He’s got his pick of the hottest biddies in the romper room. What do I have? Not a shot in hell. How do I open? Hi, my name is currently being decided upon, what’s your name? And I didn’t wanna go there, but it’s really looking like my parents don’t love me very much. The other night I heard Dad kicking some names around and three of them I really liked. Then I realized he was polishing his Super Bowl rings. He named his rings before me. Granted, he has known them longer.
Look, I don’t want to rush them because then I might end up with something stupid for a name like “Apple” or “Greg”. They’ve definitely had ample time though.
Sincerely,
T.B.D. Brady
12/10/2009
Dear Diary,
Mom’s on an ethnic kick. Ma, I love you and I know that you’re proud of where you’re from and I am half Brazilian, but I do not look like a Thiago? Not happening. If she brings it up again, next time she goes to nurse me I’m gonna bite her so hard.
Vaya con Dios,
X Brady
12/11/2009
Dear Diary,
OK, Thiago is an absolute panty dropper compared to what Dad wants to name me. Montana? Why don’t you go to the gas station and grab me a tin of “Baby’s First Chewing Tobacco” while you’re at it. As soon as my little, half-Brazilian baby legs can support my weight I am going to train in Capoiera and spin kick the taste out of Dad’s mouth. Only The Strong style, bitch.
Sincerely,
“Anything but Montana” Brady
12/12/2009
Dear Diary,
Today, some lady in the store asked Mom and Dad what my name was and Mom and Dad said they didn’t know yet. And then they all laughed. Like it was some kind of fucking joke.
I was all: LISTEN ASSHOLES! THIS NAME THAT I’M WAITING ON BETTER BE FUCKING INCREDIBLE OR ELSE I’M NOT ANSWERING TO ANYTHING BUT TYREE MANGINI SPYGATE FOURTHAND2 BRADY.
Oh, I went there.
But they didn’t hear me…’cuz I’m a fucking baby.
Sincerely,
Brady (Yeah, just Brady…like Cher.)
12/14/2009
Diary,
My parents had one conversation about my name today. Mom said she wishes I were a girl because then they could name me Katie Brady. Dad nodded and kept reading a book about Buffalos or something. Seriously, that was it.
I wish my arms were stronger; I would backhand the shit out of both of them. I’ve started doing curls with my rattle.
Sincerely,
B
12/16/2009
Dear Diary,
I just ordered a customized number 18 Indianapolis Colts jersey on Amazon. Good thing they only asked for a last name for the jersey - ‘Cuz I don’t fucking have a first one. I can’t wait for the season to be over so Dad will change my diaper for the first time. I’m gonna save up for a solid week.
Sincerely,
PeytonFan1@yahoo.com
12/18/2009
Dear Diary,
I may have been a little bit too hard on my parents. My life expectancy is around 72 years, what’s the big deal that I didn’t have a name for about the first week I was alive? They were just making sure that I had a name befitting the son of two important people such as them. A name as unique as the son of a beautiful woman and one of the best players in the history of the NFL.
Anyway, Mom said that I would have a name by tomorrow. Thank God, we can soon put this whole thing behind us.
Sincerely,
We’ll know tomorrow.
12/19/2009
Dear Diary,
I’m packing up and moving somewhere where they don’t give a shit about American football and all the women are ugly.
I’m going to Scotland.
Peace out forever,
Benjamin Brady
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