Entertainment Tonight with my Mom

I missed out on going to a hockey game with my father and brother the other night and instead ended up at home watching bad TV with my Mom. I felt like I needed to share this pain, so here’s a play-by-play of the televised train wreck I witnessed. *Please Note: This post is brought to you by the 10 (at least) Coors Lights that got me through the show’s 30 ridiculous minutes.

Here we go…

Donny Osmond’s fans saved him from elimination on Dancing with the Stars, Joanna Krupa was sent packing, and The Bee Gees reunited for the show! Entertainment Tonight might give me an erection lasting more than four hours. This is riveting shit.

One of the anchors just used the word “repreasing.” I think she means reprising but who the fuck knows. Moving right along…

Jonny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive. I actually cannot hate on this, I love that man. I can hate on ET for calling Jerry O’Connell a “funnyman.” REALLY? Go YouTube something he has done that has ever made you laugh and send it to me.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

The Blind Side premiere. This movie was clearly green lit on the basis that women can get dudes to go see it with them because there’s football in it. Sorry, Sandra Bullock cancels out football. Not going.

Thank God, for commercial breaks.

Longhorn ad, Miralax ad, political ad. All more entertaining than ET so far. But Martha Stewart is coming up and I love me some Martha. I used to intern for a woman who did P.R. for her and she had some stories. Nothing terribly interesting, just the anal psychotic behavior you would expect.

…I just saw a mostly nude Levi Johnston. I officially hate this show.

Victoria’s Secret models. Nice recovery, ET. Marissa Miller is wearing the fantasy bra. I am wearing a smile.

Leighton Meester is at the opening of the flagship American Eagle store in New York. I, uh- I have no idea what any of that means. This show moves like a two year old on speed.

Something is coming up about Zsa Zsa Gabor. Apparently she is dying. At the moment, I am envious.

Lord and Taylor commercial, regional furniture commercial, health plan commercial. I get the impression I may not be in the target demographic for this show. Wait a minute…a truck commercial with Mike Rowe! They do want me to watch. I feel included and loved. Well played, Entertainment Tonight.

Prince Frederic Von Something is talking about his wife Zsa Zsa Gabor and other things I don’t understand because he has an accent. Apparently Zsa Zsa (Can I call you, Zsa Zsa?) is friends with Nancy Reagan and Liz Taylor. I smell a Golden Girl-ish reality show but this time the broads are older, richer, and crazier.

Aaron Carter owes the IRS $1 million in back taxes. I feel bad about living in a country where Aaron Carter has made that much money.

Sarah Palin, awesome! I can’t get enough of this bitch! Unless we’re talking about electing her to office, in which case, I’m all set. My TV is bombarded by this psycho Alaskan but I AM STILL NOT BUYING HER BOOK.

Which Wedding Crashers star was supposed to be in Ocean’s Eleven? It’s Owen Wilson. I am moving from Coors Light to Jameson after instantly knowing the ET trivia question of the night.

JCPenney commercial, Cover Girl commercial starring Ellen, news special about working moms. Wow, if the show’s content hasn’t already made it abundantly clear that I am not supposed to be watching this, the commercials have really hammered the point home.

The answer to tonight’s trivia question is Owen Wilson. Yeah, I know.

Levi Johnston nude in Playgirl. I was wondering all day what his workout regimen was prior to the photo shoot and now I know. I will sleep like a baby tonight. Like a baby that is mentally tortured by the fact that Levi Johnston is a celebrity for nothing more than being too dumb to operate a condom.

A few more commercials about shit I don’t want or need. And then mercifully, right before I switch from Jameson to Drano, Law & Order comes on.

There you have it. An absolute clusterfuck of topics I don’t care about. It was like a middle schooler made a collage about inconsequential shit that happened that week. The show’s producer cannot be over 13. You can’t convince me otherwise. This whole experience has left me feeling drunk and somewhat unclean. Usually feelings like this can be assuaged by a hug from my mother, but she is the one who did this to me. I will not forget this, Mom.

I’m buying her Sarah Palin’s new book and a box of Miralax for Christmas.