(Knocking at the door. Mother stumbles over to answer.)
JESUS: Hello, Mrs. Johnson.
MRS. JOHNSON: (Slurring) Honey, there’s a homeless gentleman here. See if there’s any change in my purse.
JESUS: No, ma’am. I am not homeless. I am Jesus Christ.
MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, dear. Jim, Jesus is here.
JIM JOHNSON: What is Jesus doing here? The lawn is under a foot of snow.
MRS. JOHNSON: Not that Jesus. Jesus, um-
JESUS: Christ.
MRS. JOHNSON: Thank you. Jim, it’s Jesus Christ.
JIM JOHNSON: (Arrives at door.) Hello, Jesus. (Aside to his wife) Honey, call the police.
JESUS: Please don’t do that.
JIM JOHNSON: Shit, he heard me.
JESUS: Yeah, I’m Jesus.
JIM: You have super powers?
JESUS: No, I’m Jesus.
JIM: I’m gonna have to call the police now.
JESUS: OK, I can prove I am Jesus, watch your wife’s water glass.
(Jesus turns the contents of the glass to wine.)
JESUS: See?
MRS. JOHNSON: Well, now you’ve just ruined a perfectly good glass of gin.
JIM: (Tries the wine.) Well, this wine is terrible. And we’re having fish for dinner, so white wine is probably more appropriate.
JESUS: I feel as though you’re missing the point.
JIM: Yeah, no, I get it. And we’re super flattered that you chose to reveal yourself to us on Christmas Eve and everything, but we got wrapping to do and my wife is very clearly drunk, we’re dealing with a lot of shit here.
JESUS: Yeah, that’s the thing; I didn’t reveal myself to you. I’ve been back for months. Nobody believes that I am Jesus.
JIM: Everybody just thinks you’re homeless?
JESUS: Everybody just thinks that I’m homeless, yes. And insane. I’ve been to several mental hospitals. Which is fine, those people need me.
JIM: Nice, you helped out the mentally infirm.
JESUS: Not really, those people are batshit crazy.
JIM: (Awkward pause) Cool, so what brings you here?
JESUS: Well, it’s very cold outside and I was just seeing if anyone would let me in to spend the night.
JIM: Well, I would hate to deny Jesus somewhere to stay on his birthday-
JESUS: Yeah, I was actually born in the spring.
JIM: Oh, I didn’t know that. In that case, no, you may not stay here tonight.
JESUS: You’re worried that I’m a crazy homeless man and I’m going to murder your whole family in the middle of the night aren’t you?
JIM: (Nods)
JESUS: Yeah, that’s what the last guy said. Do you mind if I just come inside to warm up for a moment?
JIM: (Uneasily) Yeah, I guess so.
(Jesus notices the Christmas tree.)
JESUS: What is that?
JIM: It’s a Christmas tree.
JESUS: What is that?
JIM: It’s a tree that we put up every Christmas.
JESUS: Why?
JIM: (Uncomfortably) Because…it represents the woods that you were born-
JESUS: No.
JIM: It stands for the many branches of faith that come- I got nothin’. What’s the answer?
JESUS: I have no idea. That has nothing to do with me. I am baffled why you would honor me by murdering a tree.
JIM: (Sheepishly) Sorry, Jesus.
JESUS: Also, considering how I died, don’t you think it’s a tad insensitive to have a large piece of wood standing upright in your home?
JIM: (Defensively) It’s not like we knew you were coming!
JESUS: I told you I was coming! It was in the book!
JIM: You were pretty vague about when though…
JESUS: What is that under the tree?
JIM: Presents.
JESUS: (Deep sigh) Why?
JIM: Because we exchange gifts just like the Three Wisemen brought gifts to you.
JESUS: If it’s my birthday, why do you get gifts? I am supposed to be your gift.
JIM: Dude, I don’t know. You’re starting to bum me out.
JESUS: You should be bummed out. Christmas is nothing more than an orgy of commercialism masquerading as a religious celebration.
JESUS: (Smiles broadly) Thank you, Mr. Johnson. I am warm enough. I’ll be on my way now.
(The children run downstairs)
CHILDREN: DADDY!
JIM: These are the kids. Mary and little Grace. Girls, this is Jesus.
JESUS: Hello girls.
MARY: Hello Jesus.
GRACE: Did you bring us Easter eggs, Jesus?!
JESUS: (Smile disappears) What?
JIM: Son of a bitch.
well done, best one yet
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