Four is the New Magic Number

I have a lot of theories about women. This is probably my second favorite*. Women travel in groups of four because there are usually four sides to a table. If you have three people, there is a spot open and you look unpopular. If you have five, you need a bigger table and then feel like you have to fill it. Then the group gets a little too big and unwieldy.

Girls, guys form into groups of four because we like to hunt in packs and the ratio should always be 1:1. Ideally, we would be in groups of five like The A-Team and *NSYNC the branches of the U.S. Military. But you make the rules and we just dutifully follow them**.

Within the group there are four kinds of women.  To make this easy for guys, I have put it in terms they can understand:

1.  Donatello: The interesting one. This girl has backpacked Europe and loves outdoor sports. The volunteer experience part of their resume is actually true. Most people think this girl would be the ugly one. This is not (always) true. In fact, many women find the confidence to be the interesting one because of their looks. Admittedly, sometimes it’s to make up for them. 

2. Leonardo: The leader/hot one. This is the big-breasted masthead on the ship that leaves lesser vessels in her wake. This is the Helen of Troy that has led many good soldiers to their doom. Sometimes, she's fun to talk to. Often, she thinks she's too hot to have to give a shit. More often than not, this girl will be terrible in bed.

3. Raphael: The surly one who thinks she’s the hot one.  She has no idea that she isn't. She thinks everyone is crazy for thinking otherwise. Sure, she's not classically hot, but she's hot in an alternative Shannon Sossamyn kind of way.  At least that what she tells herself in the mirror in her “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” moments. More often than not, this girl will be incredible in bed.

4. Michelangelo: Of course, the slutty one. This does not mean she is a lay-up by any means. It just means you have a better chance of going home with her that night than the other three. The friends like that this girl makes them laugh and gives them a sense of moral superiority. This one is usually the most fun because she's the most carefree and open. Also, she puts out.

Like I said, I feel pretty good about this theory. Oh, and to the girl who inevitably e-mails me and says, “You’re wrong because the girls on ‘Sex and the City’ totally weren’t like that.” Congratulations, you’re Raphael.

*My favorite: If a girl has a strong handshake (like really comes over the top and down on you like a haymaker) I think, “Wow. This girl will never fuck me.” Not only does she see you as such a nonviable sexual candidate that she shook your hand like a man, your handshake ended up limp-wristed because you misjudged how hard she was coming in.

**Don’t worry girls. Tomorrow we’ll go through the four types of guys.